Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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