You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
