i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
