This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
