my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
