Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
