As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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