I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
