I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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