Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
