Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I love you. Go after that dick
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
