im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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