Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
