Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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