I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I deserve this hangover.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
