it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
