distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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