Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
