marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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