Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
