Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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