Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
