okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
