I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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