Are we in a gay sports bar?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
