I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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