my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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