Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
