the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
