I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he was CRYING into my vagina
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
