and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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