Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
