Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
