i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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