Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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