Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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