come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
