I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
