Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
