Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
