Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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