Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
