Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
sarcasm needs its own font
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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