You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
