Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
