Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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