It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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