shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
This is my gift to your gina
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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