Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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