I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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