im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
