do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
